Friday, July 13, 2012

Thirty Four: ForSrs?

My family has never been one that I could rely on in the long term for support outside the occasional, "Hey, we're having trouble paying this bill this month.". My relationship with my mother has been strained always, my father, formal at best. There's always been this feeling of "Why didn't you stop her from what she was doing to me? To us? We were just kids and shouldn't have been the target of bipolar rage.

So for the last 18ish months, we've been telling them that something is wrong with S. Or just not right. We don't know exactly because no one that we've seen knows for sure yet, but he has severe speech and fine motor delays, along with multi-sensory processing disorders. It is firmly believed he is Autistic or on the spectrum.

And for 18 fucking months all I've been hearing is, "Nichole, I don't notice anything wrong with him.". "He was with us for the weekend and he was fine, he just doesn't talk. Or eat.". And it makes me stabby. Beyond Stabby. No sane mother is going to go around telling people that there's things wrong with her child just for the fucking attention. No sane mother is going to put her child through what we've put S through to help him do things that a typical 18 month old does now that he's 2.

So my father was down over the 4th to take G and L on a trip. And he spent some time with S.We were talking about what his therapy will cost after the state stops paying for it because our insurance doesn't cover it, how much he's like my friend's 18 month old child, how his Dr is excited to get him to a developmental pediatrician... And apparently, the goddamn light bulb went off.

S isn't like my niece was at 2. S isn't like G and L were at 2. S isn't like any 2 year old he's known. Well no fucking shit. What was the first goddamn clue? He wouldn't eat solid food at 12 months on our family vacation?

And now, according to my brother, all this support and help is going to be offered.

No offense- But where was that support 18 months ago when we noticed something was wrong with our child? Where has that support been through these last 18 months when we've been dealing with therapy and Dr's and visits to Cinci by ourselves? Where has that support been because we're absolutely broke from Dr's visits and trips to Cinci and getting shit from my mother because we can't afford anything? Why have we been doing this alone until someone wants to play WebDr and research Autism on the internetz and freak out?

I'm stuck, though, between telling him to stay out of it because we've gotten this far just fine... Or letting him help in whatever way he's planning on... Maybe I should just be greatful that someone's sitting up and taking notice finally, but I can NOT let go of the bitterness when it comes to my family. I can't do it. There will never be a time when I can look at my parents and think, "What did I do to deserve that from you.".

But I fucking refuse to calm someone else down about my child when I've been trying to keep them informed and prepared for the last 18 months.

Now. I'm off to figure out how to pay for special needs daycare. I hear Dino Porn is a good business.

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