Thursday, June 14, 2012

Thirty Two:

As anyone ever had a friend- Ok, I guess that's a dumb question to ask, but it's the best way to start this. Have you ever had a friend?

Now, have you ever had a friend that has known you inside and out. Known why you were crying before you really had to get the words out. Knew exactly how to make you feel better... But, should they choose to wield the power, make you feel like a puddle of absolute nothing, craving that comfort of friendship again?

I'm not talking about your spouse. I, and Dave knows this, fully believe that he can't be everything to me. Dave is my husband, my love, my rock. I'm talking about that friend you can talk to at 3am when your rock has pissed you off and you two can plot how to hide said rock's body.

Doesn't have to be a specific sex. Just a friend.

I've had many friends in my lifetime. I have a friend from high school that no matter the time or distance, I can text her at 3 am and she'll answer me as soon as she wakes up. I have my Army wife friends who support each other irregardless of what is going on or where we are in the world. I have my local friends who are friends by proximity- Though, I'm finding that Jodi is turning out to be a distance friend, thank you, Tebow.

But I have had one friend like the above. One friend who got me through the rough part in my marriage. One friend who knew how to make me feel better when I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. One friend who was better than a therapist... And because of that, I found myself becoming co-dependent. One friend who knew how to tear my heart out. One friend who did tear my heart out a la Mayan sacrifice and seemed to find joy in devouring it. The pain of what happened, what came to light, and what came to pass was almost unbearable. It shattered me... And of all the times that my "self" has been shattered, it's left the biggest part of me behind. It was the biggest part of me that got left with someone.

This was 3 years ago. This was at the end of the bad period in our marriage. It was right in the early weeks of my pregnancy with S. I mourned the end of this friendship like a death. I was in denial. I was angry. I bargained. Then I realized I was pregnant and didn't look back- I couldn't. It wasn't healthy.

S just turned turned 2. And I found myself in a position to be in contact with the person again. And the realization hit me that no matter what had happened, I guess I never assumed they'd be gone from my life for good. Probably because I've always considered them to be my person.

So contact was made. Conversations were had. Apologies made...  ... ...

Then I realized something tonight while talking to a friend who I will probably never meet in person but I consider family- I was starting to not recognize myself again. I was starting to feel like a 12 year old on Doritos and Freeze-Pops trapped in a cage. I was starting to not be the person who didn't look back and took control of her life and stopped being codependent on ANYONE... And starting to be this obnoxious, needy thing with an obvious missing piece. And only in situations when I was to be in contact with my above mentioned "person".

And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had, again, managed to put myself back together after what happened. I had succeeded and made new local friends. Friends I love and would do anything for. Was losing myself worth the probable implosion of this friendship again- As from what I could see, they were repeating behaviors a week in? Was becoming this person I couldn't stand to be worth the attempt at the renewed friendship? Was losing myself for you worth losing my relationships here?

Would a successful friendship and being able to hold onto myself be worthwhile- I believe so. But 3 years wasn't long enough for me to hold onto me while letting you be you. You still can't be what I need or want you to be. Selfish, absofuckinglutely. But I've earned that.