Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Twenty Five:

I realize I go through ups and downs with my need to write. Currently, I'm sitting in bed, in the dark at 3 am, listening to Andrea Bocelli,  trying to figure out what I need to get out.

It's funny, that catharsis you feel when you finally let go of what's been bothering you for months and just put it out there in the world. It's also funny the feeling of "Oh. Fuck. What did I just do?" that comes over you the minute you hit publish... Then let people know you hit publish.

I guess I should back up- I'm a member of a very large and generally supportive playgroup here in Lexington. My older boys have had some great times playing with kids of all ages at events, and S gets to socialize with kids his own age that have developed normally. I've gotten some great advice on S's issues but people generally think I'm a bitch because I'm very straight forward. It can be clique-y, you find different parenting styles that you may or may not agree with, friendships are made that you will be excluded from due to common interests, gossip spread, and you're not going to like everyone or everything everyone says, but you have the opportunity to make some amazing and supportive friends... But when you have 100+ families involved, these things comes as part of being a grown up. Learning how to be in the same space who doesn't share your value on Red Dye #40 is something that you should have learned in your formative years. You just don't talk about it.

I had some wonderful ladies over for lunch today from the playgroup. One is someone I consider my best friend- But for me, that title is really location based. I'm horrible about long distance friendships. The only ones that I have kept in touch with irregardless of the distance are my Army Wife friends. Anyway, J lives 2 minutes away. Convenience is something I look for in a friendship. ROFL. K is a new friend, but someone I like a lot and someone I can see drinking heavily with. And L... L's really hard to describe, but I like her. I'm really glad she made it over today. G and L had a good time with her son, too.

Anyway, back to lunch and catharsis. When you have people over that you feel that aren't going to judge you when you talk about how much stress you're feeling from the toddler, how much duct tape it would take to attach a 7 year old to a ceiling fan, would the fan be worth replacing, how you could survive on an island if 6 palates of Duct Tape washed up on shore with you, the Shades of Grey trilogy, how you might kill your husband while he's on disability from spinal surgery if he acts like a whiny bitch and everything in between- And when there is REAL reciprocity in that conversation, be if from your best friend or someone that you're just getting to know, it's an amazing feeling... Because no matter how alone or out there by yourself you're feeling, there's someone to take your mind off everything for a bit.

And I thought for the longest time that I didn't need that in life. I'd been burnt by to many "bitches be crazy, yo" situations in life. But when you have more going on than you can handle, it's great to be able to send someone, ANYONE that genuinely gives a damn about you a text that basically says, "Help. I'm drowning today. Tell me something hysterical."

Most everyone needs that in life. Most everyone deserves that in life. No matter how weird or socially awkward you feel, as long as you can control your deepest crazy (Either medication or otherwise. LOL), there is going to be someone out there for you to spill your guts to when you need to... Someone to help you hide a body, no questions asked.

So, my goal for the rest of the year, while I go through my health challenges, the changes those bring, the strong possibility of Dave having spinal fusion, and dealing with S's issues- I am going to try to be a better friend to people that are like minded or people I like, assuming that there's reciprocity in the relationship.

Selfish sounding, maybe. But I don't think it's selfish to want to try to surround yourself and avail yourself of people with whom you enjoy spending time.

And if you really know me, you know how hard of a goal this is for me- Because personal relationships are the last things that I nurture... The last things that I worry about.

So, here's to being a better friend. Wish me luck!

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