Thirty One:

So, one of our (Dave and I) long time couple friends had their first baby a few days ago. To explain our relationship with these people would take entirely to long, but they are the people our children are going to if Dave and I die in a murder/suicide. Anyway, a beautiful little girl. Considering what her father looks like, I think that her mother did most of the genetic work. L says she's our baby too and says she's his half sister.

I had planned to stay away a bit longer, though.

I am, however, going to make this about me because it is my blog. Deal with it. Being that we've known them as long as we've had, I'd ask the compulsory questions about how she was feeling during the pregnancy, about names- Standard fare. It's not that I wasn't interested or didn't care. By this time, we'd had three children, and they are the same age as us... It's that... Well...

Babies are a touchy subject for me. I say this as my last one crawls into my lap for the few minutes a day of contact I get with him. When most women get pregnant, it's a moment of joy, wonder, and hope for the future. You read the books, you daydream about what your future spawn will be like, about how you want your birth to go *Cough*, and imagine how your life will change for the better with this little piece of sciencey miracle in your lives. You imagine their future without any pain, difficulty, or hardship- Knowing that you will do whatever you can to take any and all of it away from them and bear that burden yourself. Die, if need be, so your children have a chance.

The last time I was going through that was 2 years and 9 months ago, almost exactly. I knew what I knew from G and L's pregnancies and infancies. I knew what I expected. I knew what to do. I knew what my pregnancy was going to be like. I had an idea of what our child was going to be like- Another boy? EASY!

And he was born. And he wasn't exactly like how L was like G. He was S. He was different. He needed almost constant stimulation. He wouldn't eat well. He struggled with certain things from almost the beginning. He's struggled with certain things, easy things, most of his life. He will continue to struggle with easy things for most of his life.

And it's heart wrenching. It kills me when I can't kiss my child. It breaks my heart that I can't hold him on my lap for a story or a tv show. I want to take away his pain of struggling through OT or Speech Therapy. I want to take his medical tests for him. I want to fix him... Or at least take him out of his struggles and pain.

Day dreaming about what he was going to be like or what his personality was going to be- I never day dreamed this. And it's a kick to the teeth to see a fresh from the vag baby of some of the best friends we've had, knowing what I know now... That not everything turns out perfect. That things can turn out scary. Things can be difficult. Things can be painful.

So, those of you who are having babies soon, my advice to you is this- Snuggle those babies close. Dream. make plans. Know that life is beautiful, but it's also a dirty business. Don't be scared that danger is lurking behind every corner, but don't allow yourself to be blindsided like I was.

I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.