Being that S is so much younger than the other two, I forget how amazing it is when he learns something that I take for granted with G and L. And how sad I get when I realize that my last baby really is almost a year old.
Yesterday, I was changing his diaper, and he rolled over and was reaching for a toy. I asked him, "What are you trying to get little man...?". To my total and utter fucking shock, he said, "Ball.". I thought maybe it was a fluke, so a few minutes later I took the ball from him, held it out of his reach and said, "What's this?" and he said, "Ball.".
Now, for those of you that are thinking that it's really early for him to be speaking, I absolutely agree. But he's been babbling with intent for 4.5 months now. He started saying DaDa at 5 months. When he realized that Dave was responding to it, he started screaming DADA whenever he wanted to picked up, was hungry, wanted to be played with... When he was hospitalized in Feb of 2011, he started with MAMA... And when the nurses were holding him down for IV sticks, he would be screaming MAMAMAMAMAMA at the top of his lungs. If Dave's holding him and he wants me, he will reach for me and say, "MAMA".
I remember G and L's first words like they were yesterday- Because it meant the beginning of a new relationship with my children. All that talking to them (Or possibly myself. Remember, it was a lonely time for me. LOL) turned them into verbalizing little things. G's first word was Cookie, as he was staring at the top of the fridge, where the Biter Biscuits were kept. L's first word was Monkey, while reaching for his most prized toy as a toddler.
At 17 months, G was commanding us to draw happies, sads, shakies, copters, airpains, nakes... Happy Faces, Sad Faces, Guitars, Helicopters, Airplanes and Snakes every place we went- Every time he could find a Magna-Doodle.
By 2, G and L knew all their letters and numbers by sight. When I took them for their 2 and 4 year well babies, I had the ever present Magna-Doodle, and was entertaining L with drawing letters and having him tell me what letter it was- The Dr said that there was no way that an almost 2 year old (He was 22 months) could know all his letters and numbers 1-10 by memory and I must be doing them in order. I handed him the "Coulie" and told him to try. L nailed every letter, and G nailed every sound. I guess I should have known I was in for it then with those two... The Dr warned me that he'd never seen another child in his 15 years of practicing medicine do something like that.
Anyway, I guess the long way to the short point is this: I love that S's talking before he's crawling. I love that he has such a strong attachment to Mom and Dad. I love that the milestones that are coming first are the ones that are so important to Dave and I... Because we love talking to our kids. We love the things our kids say. We love joking with them. I love the mindless babbling of a toddler as he's watching his favorite Gabbas...
But at the same time- I didn't get to savor G and L's "Growing Up" like I get to S's... And now that I'm realizing how much I actually missed by being sick and Dave being out of the country so much...
And this is going to be the hardest thing for me to admit to date, publically...
I feel like I failed G and L. I feel like I have to fit 3 first years of life into one child. Because of the issues with schooling the other two, I feel like I'm missing out on so much time of those three first years crammed into one. I feel like I have a stronger attachment to S over G and L. Not a favorite child thing, but an attachment.
Extreme Mommy Guilt. I realize that I have done the best I could with the situation that I was given at the time... But it doesn't make it any less hard remembering some of the days...
And being that it's all this ball of emotion rolled into one- The joy of watching my baby grow up, but knowing that the time is entirely to short, the fact that my other two grew up to fast due to situations that we had NEVER planned for...
Just have to take it as it comes, right?... Because the world will spin madly on...
You have the most intelligent, capable children I've ever met! Do not feel guilty. You are raising independent, smart, and honest kids. You have NOT failed G or L; the fact that they have reached milestones early, and that you remember them tells your reader that you certainly have no reason to say that! I understand how you've come to feel that way, but please, please hear me when I say you are an awesome mom! You are doing the absolute best for all your kids, I see it every day! I love this blog, the honesty, the emotion, the cursing...all of it. You say what I would love to say! Keep posting, 'cause I'm going to keep reading. :)
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